Now, I have phobias-a-plenty but I thought I would share an interesting one with you sweet friends of mine. This post and what lies herein will be very therapeutic for me and you all should definitely get a good laugh so the way I see it, it is win-win.
I was always a quiet child (imagine that) and painfully shy. And I was chubby (or as Josie would say, 'shubby'). Now mom didn't always make the best judgement calls in clothing and hair-do's either. I always liked my hair long but obviously it was too much up-keep for mom so she chopped er off when I was in first grade and I was left with a bowl cut. Also, my cheeks were very fat and the kids always made fun of me. In addition to the bad hair and shubby sheeks (and let's not forget my bladder control problem), I also sucked my thumb. Yes. For many, many years (don't ask how many because it is shameful). On top of that, I was oger-ishly tall, only second to Lynn Deloach but she only had me by an inch or two. So, basically, I was just an open target for the popular kiddies who were skinny with good hair and normal height. As I hit the teenage years, things just got worse and worse in the looks department. There were the braces and the zits and the bad bad hair. But, you know, I never worried about what I looked like. I ate lots of pop tarts and Hardees Big Cookies and I never looked back or worried about my waist-line. I had parents who loved me and an occassional dorky boyfriend and I was quite happy with my life. I never worried that I didn't fit the perfect teenage mold. Yes, I was made fun of quite often but I figured everyone was teased for one thing or another. I was pretty happy with my life.
As an adult, my appearance changed. I lost weight and changed my hair...not intentionally, either. I got sick when I was twenty. Mono hit me hard and I was sick for over a month. Even after I recovered, I had a messed up metabolism and cystic acne covered my entire face (the bumps were size of nickels). I lost 1/3 of my hair and quite a bit of weight. I had to go on heavy medication and hormones to control all of this weirdness but after the bumps went away and I chopped off my hair because I was practically bald, I looked like a different person....I bleached my hair to camoflauge my scalp showing through. When I would come home from college, some people didn't even recognize me anymore. I wasn't thinking I looked that different, however, everywhere I went people were bragging on me. I didn't know what to think of this, I thought I looked pretty bad, actually. But the compliments were nice. They embarassed me but I liked it. And for the very first time, I was starting to feel pretty. Shortly thereafter, I began to have an issue with old photos and videos of myself. I don't know why. I had never had all of this positive attention before and maybe I thought people wouldn't like me as much if they knew I used to look so different. I mean, I realize that noone likes their old photos and I probably didn't look a whole lot worse than anyone else did in elementary and high school but I actually felt deeply ashamed of them. I didn't want to look at them and I didn't want anyone else looking at them...especially anyone that did not know me during my childhood or teenage years. If someone was watching a video of me as a teenager, my heart would start pounding and I would get hot and I would have to leave the room. I had deep shame and extreme anxiety. I wanted to burn and destroy every year book, every home video, every photo. I remember I cried when I showed Chris these old photos because I really thought he might not love me the same if he knew what I used to look like. Isn't this ridiculous!?! And I know it sounds very shallow but I don't feel I have ever been that kind of person. It was a problem in my mind and I couldn't help it. Over the past ten years, I have been working through this. I get the pictures out and leave them where I can see them, where the kids can see them. I have even started showing them to close friends that didn't know me before. I know all of this sounds crazy to most of you because most people are embarassed by old pictures, but my problem was beyond that. I was so ashamed of the person I was. What I have come to realize is that God had a plan all along. I looked dorky for a reason. I was teased and that made me a more compassionate person. I was ignored by boys and often mistreated by them and that made me appreciate my sweet, kind husband. God preserved me. I have always said that. God preserved me and I bloomed when He was ready for me to bloom, so to speak. Not in terms of beauty, but maturity and understanding of His plan for my life and what is important and what is not important.
That is one thing my parents never even talked about, physical beauty, and I'm glad. They just let me be the person I was. They taught me what was right and wrong, taught me about the love of the Lord and the Bible. I never cared what I looked like until I realized how important it was to the rest of the world and that is when I started having that shame. I hope I can instill in my children that their beauty comes from the inside....I don't ever want them to feel their worth comes from their appearance but from the spirit inside of them and God working in their hearts and lives to fulfill whatever purpose He has for their lives. The world puts such high merit on physical beauty....to a point where it actually messed with my mind and that is pathetic. I am so thankful to be able to free of this silly fear. So, let's have a few laughs, shall we?
So, at this point in time, we are going to walk down memory lane in photos and this is therapy for me and it actually feels wonderful to do this. We will start with baby Joelle. Cute, huh? Looks just like Huddle, I think. And little girl Joelle, ready for church (of course).
Now, this is where things started going downhill. Post-haircut and post-way-too-many- twinkies...love you, mom.... ;)
Here in this photo you can appreciate not only one, but also a bonus view of just the bangs. Those photographers were genuises, huh? Noone does the floating head anymore, what has photography come to?
Me and Lynn always had the best view. And mom obviously never realized it was not a good idea to dress the chubby kid in 'Cookie Monster' themed clothing. I'm sure this wasn't a good day for me. I'm just there was major thumb sucking at nap time.
But my patriotism was always a strong suit, as evidenced here in my second grade school pic.
And high school Joelle:
But in the end, I win. Cause look at the hottie I scored. ;) I love you, Chris Kent! Thank you for loving me and all of my crazy.
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