I was 27 when I married Chris. One thing that attracted me to him was his love for children. We both wanted lots of kids and I couldn't wait to have my first baby! All I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mom....I had almost given up on that dream, but then Chris came along (that is a long story) and I knew that he was the man for me. I didn't want to wait to have a baby but Chris insisted we wait at least one year. I got pregnant right away after the year wait and we were so excited. After an exciting week of spreading the news and a trip to the baby doctor, things started going downhill. I miscarried at six weeks and I was devastated. Got pregnant again a few months later, miscarried again. I was beginning to think that I would not be able to have a baby. I had hormone problems in my early twenties so that was always an underlying thought and worry. Finally, I got pregnant with Jillian and the pregnancy was healthy. However, I was put on hormones for extra precaution but the pregnancy went fine. I was SO NERVOUS but Jillian arrived, healthy and beautiful, on December 10, 2003. Josie came along a few years later, also healthy and beautiful, in the summer of 2006. I had to do the hormone thing again with that pregnancy but no problems at all. I had always wanted a blonde-haired daughter. God had given me two.
I was 32 when Josie was born and I had this little plan (I always have a little plan, actually a big plan). You know how we make plans and don't really pray the way we should about what would be God's way/God's plan? I had decided that I should have all my babies before I turned 35! It only made sense to begin the process when Josie turned one....so that is what we did. I thought it might take a little while because it actually took seven months for us to conceive Jos. This plan would allow extra time in case there was a delay, like with Jos. I didn't realize what a struggle would lie ahead. We tried for over a year but I finally got pregnant. I was so excited. Of course, I immediately scheduled doctors appointments and told my friends. A week later, I miscarried. It was very early, as was the case with the others but I was disappointed and confused, none the less. Another year of of trying to conceive.....ovulation kits and monthly disappointments. I knew Chris and I both desperately wanted another child...was it not God's will? Were we being ridiculous? Should we just enjoy the two wonderful daughters that we had and give up? I was getting ready to turn 36 and I decided it was time for a heart to heart with Chris (these always make him nervous). 'Honey, I don't think this is God's will for us...I am tired of these migraines (hormonal) that I have when I'm off my bc pills. I am tired of being disappointed. I don't think it is in God's plan.' My husband is so cooperative and such a rational thinker, unlike ME! He is NOT a planner. He goes with the flow (I cannot imagine!). He lives life a DAY AT A TIME (also a good idea). So he says 'Whatever you think, Jolene. I am so happy with you and the girls. I will not feel like I am missing out. I will not regret this later. I want what you want. I want your headaches to get better.' He said all the right things and I knew he meant them. I made him promise me no regrets so that I could have peace about calling it quits.
LITERALLY, A FEW DAYS LATER: GOD moved in a big way. HE had a message for me. It was a message I should have heard long before, but most of the time He has to yell at me. That still small voice doesn't always do it for Miss 'I have a plan and I'm sure it's ok by God so I'm just going to go full-speed ahead on this so leave me alone!' I hate that about myself and I am working on this. I have to daily force myself to let God lead me. I want to do everything according to my plan.
Back to the story, here is how it went down. It was pretty awesome. OK, I had gone to a baby shower for my dear friend. It was here in Wise and I had a great time. The food was awesome (I love shower food) and there were so many Christian ladies there (maybe thirty or more) and it was a wonderful time of fellowship and celebration. My expecting friend's pastor was there. Pastor Eva. She sat a few seats down from me and as the shower came to a close, she was asked to dismiss us in prayer. She stood to her feet and she began to explain that God had burdened her for one of us ladies. He had tugged at her heart when she walked through the door and had not left her alone. She told us that God had a message. She said that she doesn't norally 'preach' at baby showers (lol) but she had to be obedient to the Holy Spirit. Pastor Eva explained that she had a 'word of knowledge'....the Holy Spirit had shown her that someone at the shower was getting ready to give up on a baby that God had for her. My heart started racing away and tears came to my eyes. She talked so much about faith and how we have to TRULY believe with our WHOLE HEART that God CAN and WILL do the impossible (or what may seem impossible). He is still on the throne and still performing miracles. God can give you a baby, in His time, by His might...but you MUST have TRUE FAITH. I knew right away that my faith had been so wishy washy and weak. I had given up on God giving us another baby. I thought it was impossible because MY ovulation kits didn't work, MY timeline had been screwed up, MY efforts seemed in vain. I realized that although I had been praying so much about this baby, I was working SO HARD and not TRUSTING.
After she was finished speaking, everyone knew that Pastor Eva's word was for me because I was crying so hard. I spoke up and told the group my story. I told them that I had given up on third child because it had been two and a half years. I told them I was even embarassed to complain because so many women can't conceive at all and I have two healthy daughters. I told them how weak my faith had been. I told them that I didn't really believe that God could and would, until NOW. The ladies gathered around me and it was awesome. I LOVED IT! They layed hands on me and prayed for me. They thanked God for this baby that was to come! It was so awesome. I wish I had a picture of that but it is in my mind and I will never forget that sight or that feeling. I left that night praising God and knowing that there would be a baby, but in God's time. I was excited and happy.
(to be continued.....)
Joelle,
ReplyDeleteThis post gave me the chills. I, too, have had wishy-washy faith and it's hard to admit that. So glad you are enjoying your blessings and wishing you all the best. You never know when speaking out can change things for someone else. You may never know, but I hope you continue to be courageous enough to keep doing this blog. I enjoy reading it :-)
Love much,
Jackie